Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Two weeks Post Partum

Ever heard of the baby blues?

Well... they suck. 

About 2 months after I had Estela, I developed some pretty bad anxiety. Of course at the time, I didn't realize what I was going through was anxiety/depression and that I probably should have got some help for it. It was mainly due to the fact that I couldn't produce enough milk for my daughter and the fact that I was starving her for the first two months of her life. The doctor threatened to put her in the hospital at her two month appointment if I didn't supplement with formula. I pulled through once she was about 7 months old and seriously it was like a cloud over my life had lifted. 
For the first time, I remember laughing and smiling at her pediatrician (before this I thought she was a spawn of satan).

The past two weeks have been awful. Well not exactly two weeks... The Friday after I gave birth, I felt like I could do anything. Sebastian slept a 5 hour stretch the night before, I was home from the hospital and ready to go to a freaking pumpkin patch because it's fall and that's what you do and 2 day old baby wasn't going to stop me from doing the things I love! Now I feel like I am crazy. Sebastian is consistently awake from 3-5 every morning. I lash out at the people I love the most. If you didn't know... lashing out at your spouse makes things really hard on a marriage. 

I am sleep deprived and cry at least once a day. I am angry at my mother for having a job where she can't take time off to come help me. I am bitter when Dan leaves for class and gets to escape the madhouse that is currently our home. My love feels like it is split in two. Estela used to be the best thing in the world to me and now I find myself constantly annoyed with everything she says and does.  I yearn for all the time I had to bond with Estela to bond with Sebastian. I feel broken, and alone, and tired. Oh. So. Tired. 

One day, Sebastian threw up and I lost it because I was 100% convinced that he was losing weight and that I would be forced to supplement again. I find out tomorrow if he has gained enough weight/ if I am making enough milk. 

But it's going to get better. At least that's what people keep telling me. That's what I have to believe to keep going. Why else do people have more than 2 kids? We are in survival mode here. Some days are better than others. I've had to let go of my rigid screen time rules and 50 servings of vegetables a day rule and eat a damn cookie because that's what surviving is. 

Did I mention I'm tired? Oh and SUPER grateful for the saint like people in my ward. There are people who have taken Estela for the whole day and acted like it was no big deal. But it really means the world to me. We have had countless numbers of meals from dear sweet people. And that makes me cry too! I'm always crying. 

I'm not trying to make anyone depressed or anything by reading this. I just want people to know that they aren't alone. To let spouses or future spouses know that their wives aren't the only ones who have gone through this. And hopefully I will have a happy update in... well I have no idea when... we'll just say in the future some time. 

But for now I am going to try and sleep. 

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Whoa. 30 weeks

What the heck?

I'm 30 freaking weeks. This pregnancy has been SO much easier than the first.

"How" you ask? Let me tell you

Estela: Sick till 18 weeks

This baby: Sick till 8 and 1/2 isn weeks

Estela: 8 cavities and a HORRIBLE receding gum.

This baby: 2 cavities (guys I brush 2-3 times a day with an electric toothbrush and Floss every stinkin' day. I just have bad teeth ok??!?!?!)

Estela: Ate top ramen a least 2 times a week.

This baby: Eating fresh raw green beans like they are candy.

Estela: She had hiccups at least 3 times a day

This baby: hiccups every few days.

I'm SO glad that the first trimester is WAY over and I never want to see a taco bell for the rest of my life. (I accidentally ate a crunch wrap supreme every day one week after rehearsal)

Estela loves her baby brother SO much. She loves to feel him move and kisses my belly. She is always talking about how he will sleep in her bed when he is born.

I won't lie. I am starting to feel overwhelmed about having two children. I REALLY like having one kid. Will I really be able to survive a Wisconsin winter with a brand new baby and a little kid?

on a less serious note... I dressed up like a cow for free food. And then went to target right after to get groceries. I'm sure people were thinking... "does she know this isn't walmart?"

We leave to visit Dans Parents in the dominican republic in a couple weeks and I am SO excited! It's such a special place for me! Dan proposed to me there and we were able to spend our 2 year anniversary there as well. Now we can celebrate our 4th this next month there too!

4 years of marriage is kind of a big deal for me. I'm pretty crazy so that's cool that I found the perfect life partner to want to stick with me for 4 years. I like him a lot.

Cheers to 4 years of marriage and (almost) two children. We have only agreed on one name so far for baby boy antivilo. I totally cried at the ultrasound when I found out it was a boy. They were totally tears of sadness. Then I cried even more because I felt horrible for not being more grateful that I had a perfectly healthy baby!

Being pregnant is INSANE! I also started crying the other day when IZ's "somewhere over the rainbow" came on my pandora station because my heart just ACHES for hawaii. My two year old just kept saying "it's ok mom! You will feel better sweetheart!"

I'm a wreck. And I have the best daughter ever.

So that's what is going on recently. Maybe one day I will be better and consistent with something in my life. At least I'm good at keeping my daughter alive right? 10 points for Gryffindor! Ok I am crazy and need sleep.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Fall is more fun than winter.

ugh. I am the worst at blogging.

But I need to type this stuff down! My little baby isn't even a baby anymore.

She said a real sentence this week (besides "I love you"). We were at her friends house and he was asking his mom for juice and then I hear this little high voice say "I want juice too".


She is a little person now! When she doesn't like something she will say "I don't like that" or "I don't want it." Right now she gets extremely upset if I am chewing gum and attempting to blow bubbles and yells "NO! I don't like that!"

I am having such a great time with her. She is so independent which makes this age a MILLION times better than having a newborn.

She is in underwear all the time now except for nap time and night time. Maybe that will change when she gets a real bed instead of sleeping in a pack and play.

Fall was BEAUTIFUL here in Wisconsin. We went to a ton of apple orchards

Did I mention I just adore this child?

The apples here are terrific. We loved making fresh apple cider.

Halloween was a blast. Dan finally dressed up with me and i LOVED it. He was Bert Macklin (FBI) and I was Janet Snakehole (duh). And if you don't know who those people are then you REALLY need to watch parks and rec. 

It gets dark here at 4:30. Ew. And its about 20 % outside. I don't have a great coat yet so i am DYING. I am not even being dramatic. What the heck are you supposed to do with a toddler when it's so flipping cold outside! She goes crazy when she is indoors all day! 

Anyway... I'm really looking forward to escaping to the DR in a month. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Potty Training... For real

Remember that one time I told you that my 6 month old likes to poop in the toilet? Well she still does. And now she does it without me holding her over a giant toilet.

A month ago I decided I was sick of changing diapers/ paying ridiculous amounts of money for them. We had a little potty for her that she practiced going in every now and then. But now i was ready to do the real deal... pant less potty training for three days straight.

This day was pretty much the worst day ever. Estela had 13 accidents and one success and it wasn't even 2. Ugh. Lots and lots of bleach that day. I decided to hold off on serious training until i came back from my trip from Oregon.

Fast forward to two or three weeks later and we were on serious attempt number 2. It only lasted a few hours. She had less accidents but I thought that it was stupid to try and train her now when I had a wedding to photograph coming up in a few days. There was no way either Dan or I could watch her because he was filming.

So the next week on a thursday I got out of bed as soon as I heard Estela wake up. I was determined to get her on the potty ASAP. We had a system... or so I thought. Dan and i would take  turns watching Estela so we could help her get to the potty in time. She was doing pretty well so I thought i would be ok leaving her with Dan in living room while I made a juice. Apparently there was a wee bit of miscommunication and nobody was watching Estela while she pooped all over the carpet. Ew. Gross. At least she didn't step in it. There was lots of bleaching and pointing to the toilet after that incident.

The next day was much better. She only had one accident and it was because she sat on the toilet and pooped without pulling down her panties.

We had Estela pick out some underwear even though the smallest size is 2T. I guess not many people train their midget 17 month olds to wear panties. She is getting really good at pulling them up but pulling them down is still pretty difficult for her.

When she is at home she is mostly panty free. I put pull ups on her in the car because I really don't want to clean up any messes in there. She lets me know when she needs to use the toilet by saying "sssssssss". It makes us laugh pretty hard when she walks over to the toilet and sits in a lounge position. Or when she walks over and grabs a book on her way to the toilet before she defecates.

As much as I would love to post a picture to show you all... She's like... naked... so... you'll just have to come over and see for yourself.

Her smile is the best. I love this child.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Mallorca aka Majora

Our "second" day on the cruise we arrived at a port on Mallorca. It's a beautiful island of the coast of Spain.

We took our time in the morning sleeping in till 8:30! Estela woke up in the middle of the night and only went back to sleep when she was in our bed with her little hand caressing my face... well more like pinching me over and over again.

After breakfast we headed out on foot towards the Castle. Dan had a T mobile plan for the month which gave us unlimited Data on his phone wherever we went! I highly suggest it if traveling internationally. So google maps told us it would only take 40 minutes to walk there. Totally do-able right?

We strapped Estela into her awfully cheap umbrella stroller and went on our way. Little did we know that the entire trek would be uphill on cobble stoned roads and then hiking up a mountain. Going uphill is fine but we weren't expecting a mountain. But we are troupers and I carried Estela a mile up the mountain while Dan carried the stroller. Carrying an 18 pound wiggly weight up a mountain is a pretty good workout. By the time we reached the castle I was in my T-shirt regardless of the fact that it was 40 degrees out.

This was basically all we had time for. 

When we got back to the ship we went straight to dinner and Estela promptly fell asleep while eating a breadstick. She was pretty worn out. 

Monday, April 14, 2014


Sometimes it is hard to see the beauty in this world. Sometimes it seems that there are dark awful horrible clouds covering everything and it's impossible to see any light.

Sometimes you feel betrayed by someone you love and there is no beauty in that. Just ugly darkness. Darkness is cold and overwhelming. It can make you feel lost, small, and vulnerable.

Then you see someone do something that touches you. Someone sharing a love that is so pure: a christlike love. It's so sweet that makes your throat lump up and brings tears to your eyes. Good tears... The kind that don't leave you with a horrible head ache.

That is when you a small glimmer of light. The worlds beauty starts to shine through. It brings a smile to your face; it brings hope.

Seeing the worlds beauty makes the darkness become a little lighter.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Barcelona with Besties

After a night filled with a couple 3 hour naps inturrupted by a baby who wanted to chat with us for an hour in-between, we finally got up to spend the day with some of our best friends from BYU Hawaii; Taylor and Ana Dame!

It was SO good to see these wonderful people. Those lucky bums are living in Madrid while Taylor gets his MBA. They get to have an adventure every weekend.

Our hotel was just a quick walk from La Sagrada Familia. Because the food in Spain is nothing special (seriously… I tried their "specialty" dish, paella, and it sucked… big time) we headed to our trusted American McDonalds.

This is the start of me letting go of food anxiety. We eat mostly a plant based diet. I cringe/make a weird sort of yelling exclamation when people try to put goldfish or candy into my child's mouth or even give her some cows milk. (I have no idea why people think they need to give other peoples babies food… You are NOT their mother! Feed your own dang kids and leave mine alone!) I shoved the weird anxiety to some corner in my mind and ordered Estela some greek yogurt with fruit.

Anyway…. rant over. The guys waited in line while we finished breakfast and then we headed into the church.

This church is amazing. It's been under construction for over 100 years. The architect, Antoni Gaudi, died in 1926! This basilica is unlike any one I've ever seen. Ok fine I haven't seen that many but the point is…. it's totally rad. 

It's got this gothic, yet modern theme to it. And the light inside is amazing! Usually churches like these are SO dark and kind of eery. But this one is exploding with light. 

I thought this was really neat.

The stained glass was gorgeous.

Who wouldn't want to hang out with these beautiful people?

She refused to put down her blanket.
Doing this with Estela was pretty easy. Except for when she had a poopy diaper and I couldn't find a changing station so I laid her down on abnormally long toilet seat lid and changed her there… good thing she is tiny. 

After this, we headed to the big fruit market and it was delicious. Barcelona is super easy to get around. The metro system there is great. 

As the afternoon ended it was time to say goodbye to our friends. We were SO happy that we were able to spend some time with our friends. 

Do you see what we are carrying? Yeah… That is all we had folks… For two weeks!
We had a delicious Italian dinner waiting for us on our cruise ship. It was "formal" night so this is me being as formal as I can be without makeup, a comb, or hair product. Basically I just wore my 7 dollar dress from H&M.

The Pasta was seriously incredible! Estela ate so much pasta.