Two weeks Post Partum

Ever heard of the baby blues?

Well... they suck. 

About 2 months after I had Estela, I developed some pretty bad anxiety. Of course at the time, I didn't realize what I was going through was anxiety/depression and that I probably should have got some help for it. It was mainly due to the fact that I couldn't produce enough milk for my daughter and the fact that I was starving her for the first two months of her life. The doctor threatened to put her in the hospital at her two month appointment if I didn't supplement with formula. I pulled through once she was about 7 months old and seriously it was like a cloud over my life had lifted. 

 

For the first time, I remember laughing and smiling at her pediatrician (before this I thought she was a spawn of satan).

The past two weeks have been awful. Well not exactly two weeks... The Friday after I gave birth, I felt like I could do anything. Sebastian slept a 5 hour stretch the night before, I was home from the hospital and ready to go to a freaking pumpkin patch because it's fall and that's what you do and 2 day old baby wasn't going to stop me from doing the things I love! Now I feel like I am crazy. Sebastian is consistently awake from 3-5 every morning. I lash out at the people I love the most. If you didn't know... lashing out at your spouse makes things really hard on a marriage. 

I am sleep deprived and cry at least once a day. I am angry at my mother for having a job where she can't take time off to come help me. I am bitter when Dan leaves for class and gets to escape the madhouse that is currently our home. My love feels like it is split in two. Estela used to be the best thing in the world to me and now I find myself constantly annoyed with everything she says and does.  I yearn for all the time I had to bond with Estela to bond with Sebastian. I feel broken, and alone, and tired. Oh. So. Tired. 

One day, Sebastian threw up and I lost it because I was 100% convinced that he was losing weight and that I would be forced to supplement again. I find out tomorrow if he has gained enough weight/ if I am making enough milk. 

But it's going to get better. At least that's what people keep telling me. That's what I have to believe to keep going. Why else do people have more than 2 kids? We are in survival mode here. Some days are better than others. I've had to let go of my rigid screen time rules and 50 servings of vegetables a day rule and eat a damn cookie because that's what surviving is. 

Did I mention I'm tired? Oh and SUPER grateful for the saint like people in my ward. There are people who have taken Estela for the whole day and acted like it was no big deal. But it really means the world to me. We have had countless numbers of meals from dear sweet people. And that makes me cry too! I'm always crying. 

I'm not trying to make anyone depressed or anything by reading this. I just want people to know that they aren't alone. To let spouses or future spouses know that their wives aren't the only ones who have gone through this. And hopefully I will have a happy update in... well I have no idea when... we'll just say in the future some time. 

But for now I am going to try and sleep.